I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
