so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
