Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
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Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
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My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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