I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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