hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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