My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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