I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
