I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
