Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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