So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
