ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
