he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
