Who wears a wallet chain?!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My dick has a subreddit
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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