She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
