My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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