you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
