I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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