I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
