I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
