You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
