You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
