a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
