I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
