Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
