She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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