cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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