oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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