I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
