This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
