just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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