How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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