So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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