Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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