she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
