Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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