Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
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His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
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Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.