so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.