God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
