Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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