PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just found a bag of teeth...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
