Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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