She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
