My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
