Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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