he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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