you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
