Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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