if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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