I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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