I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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