I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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