Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Couch. On fire.
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