when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Drunk is a universal language darling
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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