The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
