I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
