I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
