I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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