my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
