I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
